Mental Matters,  Parenting

My Toxic Parent

Not what I expected to hear, age 38 – I thought I’d had a stable and loving upbringing, I thought my relationship with my parents was normal. But I was seeking help because of my anger issues, my anxiety, and my inability to cope with stress.  But I couldn’t have a toxic parent – she’d not beaten me, not starved me, and she was still around.  Still in my life, still living ten miles away, living a normal life.

And then I started to dig deeper into my past.

The comments about my weight started age 11, when I was podgy and my new school trousers wouldn’t fit.  A loving parent would just buy the next size up – she bought the next size down and fed me 600 calories a day until I lost weight. I can still remember the cuts in my hips from the waistband on my trousers.

There were barely any positive comments growing up.  I never did enough at home, was always too fat, always a let down.  Every outfit I wore I was criticised – for looking too fat, too boring, too slutty.  As I hit puberty my boobs grew, and they became the focus of many a pisstake.  Age 12 it’s humiliating to be told you have big boob.  Big, fat boobs.

After leaving school I discovered sex and alcohol.  I couldn’t tell her I had a boyfriend, he’d never be good enough, the emotional blackmail would get worse.  I lied all the time – made up friends, never told her where I was going.

I dropped out of uni, it wasn’t for me.  A loving parent would support me, in whatever decision I made.  She didn’t.  She told me I’d let everyone down, that I’d never be anything.

I met my partner, and he’s never been good enough.  I became a mum to two beautiful kids; yet I’m a terrible mother. All I’ve ever wanted to hear is that I’m doing a good job.  That I’m doing things right.  But all I’ve ever been told is that I’m bad, a failure, that I’m nothing.

She used to hit me, yet now denies it.  You read about child abuse all the time – and to realise you endured emotional abuse through your childhood is a huge shock.

So, where do I go from here?  Counselling helps, although the pain never goes away, i don’t think it ever will.  Do I worry i’ll pass my issues onto my children?  Of course, all day, every day.  But for every bit of hurt, I know I will never inflict that on my children.  Every day I wonder how a parent could abuse their child, how can you do that to someone you love?

My kids are my world.  I hope they know how much I love them, how I would never hurt them.  And I wonder how many mums out there are the children of toxic parents?

 

photo credit: Mattiii photo Triangular Shadow 9 via photopin (license)
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