So, your child is starting reception.
You want them to make friends. You want to make friends with the other parents, maybe find a kindred sprit to text about your shit husbands and drink cheap wine on play dates with.
When a class parents suggests setting up a Whatsapp group for you all to stay in stay in the school loop and arrange play dates, and help each other out with drops offs and pick ups you think it’s a marvelous idea. You’ve not been down the pub since 1864 and you are desperate to make new friends to get out the fucking house – I get it. I get it.
But my love, my precious, naive friend: Do you want to know why I will never, ever be sucked into a class whatsapp group again as long as I live?
Shall I let you into a secret? You know Dawn and Judith who you met at the reception settling in morning, with their cute little kids who you just knew would become best friends with your little Johnny, forming a protective little band of brothers and life long bond like the kids out of IT (okay, hopefully not just like the kids out of IT), while you drink Prosecco in the park and giggle gaily as the children frolic in the grass?
Shall I tell you what will happen with Dawn and Judith?
By the end of year one, you will want to scratch their fucking eyes out.
And here are 5 reasons why…
1) Dawn and Judith will become the class reps and very vocal members of the PTA. They will henceforth be the reception class mafia and you will feel slightly intimidated and also slightly in awe. By the time the Christmas fair comes round, you will be avoiding them at all costs and feigning illness for two weeks so your mum has to do the school run for you, because you are too scared to say no to running the tombola and the bar. And the raffle.
2) Dawn and Judith will start a splinter group and leave you out of it. Because remember that day when Judith picked Johnny up from school for you and you were so thankful that you took round a bottle of wine and some flowers? While he was there, Judith snuck a look in his book bag. Johnny is two reading bands higher than her child. She told Dawn. Dawn’s child is also in a lower band. One night, Dawn and Judith got drunk and spent three hours on the phone slagging you off and accusing you of being a tiger parent who has tutored the fuck out of Johnny since he was three months old. They hate you now. You are Hitler to them.
3) Dawn and Judith will recruit some other Mums to the group. Especially that Mum who is jealous of your hair, you know, the one who is always super friendly to you at the school gates but tells all the other parents how you must spend hours getting ready in the morning. “And did you see the state of Johnny’s polo shirt yesterday?” She will say in hushed tones to anyone who will listen, “She can make herself look good, but not her child!”
4) By the beginning of year one, Dawn will shag Judith’s fat, hairy husband and Dawn and Judith will be at war on the Whatsapp group. You will be caught in the middle because everyone thinks you are best mates. Women will steer their husbands away from you just incase you are like Dawn.
5) By year three, what is left of the Whatsapp group will be like the Wild West. Dates for children birthday parties will have been argued over, someone will have been accused of nicking other children’s school jumpers and there will have been fights to the near death over how much to collect for the teacher’s end of year presents. Judith will have pulled her child out of the school and there will be a long running debate and speculation that she shagged the PE teacher in revenge for her husbands infidelity. Everyone will hate everyone else. Your children will have fallen out and you will fight their battles via text message at 11pm after three bottles of wine and accidentally call that nice lady who is married to the vicar a cunt.
Steer clear. Pretend you are one of those oddballs who doesn’t have a mobile. You will thank me in the end.
Cookie Kibbles is nothing short of an enigma. The only writer to have been slogging away for 20 years without getting that elusive book deal or magazine column. The only comic to have been pounding the stages of dodgy backstreet pubs spouting (frankly hilarious) musings on life without coming to the attention of Channel 4. The only actress never to have appeared in Casualty. Is she a genius or is she deluded? You decide.
“Should have got a job in Asda” – Cookie’s Dad
“An absolute C*unt” – Most other bloggers
“She is basically the anti-christ” – Insatamums