5 WHYZ,  Parenting

5 Reasons Why Fertility Treatment Was Crap But Funny

Ok, so I’ll start with the boring ‘putting you in the picture’ bit first in a kind of ‘what you missed in last week’s episode’ kind of way… cue the movie-esque montage with accompanying cheesey music…

…unprotected sex for six years….nothing happened….visited doctor…lots of tests…referred to fertility clinic…put on waiting list…got to top of list…had treatment….thanking the Gods of turkey basters, it worked!

All caught up? Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then I’ll begin. Here’s my five reasons why fertility treatment was crap, but funny (if you don’t laugh you’ll cry and all that!). Disclaimer: To anyone on the verge of or about to undergo, or even thinking about fertility treatment, DO NOT let this put you off – trust me, the laughter will carry you through!

1. Telling our (new) GP details of our sex life. “How many times a week do you have sex?” Cue a stare at each other as though, “You answer first” and as though there was a ‘right’ answer / we had to get our stories straight for the fertility police. Never have our personal lives been so under the microscope (literally!) but I tell you what, it certainly pulls you together! Everything else seems easy in comparison – get through that first appointment and you can take on the world!

2. The mornings the Mr had to speed into the clinic, ‘sample’ on the front seat with a twenty minute window before it went ‘off’ like curdled milk. The option was of course there to produce the sample at the actual clinic but he’s a home comforts kind of man and thankfully also likes to pretend he’s driving in the Cannonball Race – which is quite apt in an amusing kind of way – cannon, ball, geddit?!

3. The day of the ‘offering.’ Turn up at the fertility clinic on the day of the great turkey basting ceremony (not quite but you get the picture!) – ‘check in’ with reception, tell the receptionist who we are and what we’re there for:
Receptionist: “..but you’re not booked in til two.”
Me: “Yes, I know, but we’re here for… “you know” first.
Receptionist: “The what?”
Me: “The bit my husband has to do first” (cue the hand gesture usually reserved for road rage but of which I am now having to do in public to demonstrate what my husband needs to do in order to pass on any necessary sperm – I mean, COME. ON!!!!!!!!)
Receptionist (blushing): “Oh, yes, you can take a seat.”
Me (slightly enraged with an equally blushing husband in tow): “Why, thank you.”

Really, love?????!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. On asking the hubby how his official ‘offering’ went – turns out no provision of booby mags, no internet access, just the use of his good old-fashioned Neanderthal imagination!! Get in!! No doubt taking him back to his teenage years of drooling over Lisa Snowden but I didn’t ask!

5. Skip to the bit where I’m legs akimbo on the clinic bed, mentally spurring the little swimmers to make their way into the right place and do their thang, I was passed a number of magazines to pass the time – Gee, how I loved to read about all the then celebrity accidental / surprise pregnancies in my compromised state! Not to sound in any way bitter of course but how pleased I was for Kim Kardashian getting pregnant so easily and quickly whilst lying there with my still blushing husband by my side and my catheter filling up with the Morrisons brew I’d had earlier (we’d had a two hour window to kill in between said offering and said legs akimbo!).

Well, you’ll be pleased to know, despite all the fun and games, we were INCREDIBLY fortunate for it to work first time and now have an amazing little two year old girl to show for it. Well worth it!! Just to reiterate, if you’re going through fertility treatment yourself or are about to start the process – laugh at every opportunity, trust me, it will drag you through! It’s a tough time with a huge end goal but keep going and stay strong.

photo credit: wuestenigel Eggs with faces via photopin (license)
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